Home Again

A thousand thoughts breeze through my head as I write this. I'm flying back home tomorrow. The word has changed its meaning over the years. I was home before I came to another country. Right before that, I was home at a girls' hostel. And I was home at my parent's place too, before I left for good.

Right now, a swanky downtown apartment is what I call home. People at work who are unconditionally nice are family. And I'm feeling emotional as I leave them behind. Well, not really - I'll be back in precisely five weeks. But then.

It's the same feeling every time - excitement mingled with a little twinge of parting with something. I have to admit, I do feel anxious - what if I've changed enough to not blend in effortlessly? What if I've changed enough to not feel home at all?

Phew. I do need to party tonight; keep these thoughts at bay. And think of all them smiles that will come my way, real soon.

You want to hold me, keep me from going away. You try to keep me under bondage, forgetting that you can’t, no matter how hard you try. I might temporarily take the shape of the vessel you cage me into, but very soon I’ll find a crack and I’ll get away. I travel to new countries, exploring the new and the unseen. En route, I merge with the mighty and the humble alike, losing my identity and becoming a part of them.  

You want me when the heat is unbearable on a summer day, like sweetness exploding from cloudy skies.  When the pain is intense, I’m the bitterness flowing from your eyes. I can be a life giver and preserver, nourishing the seeds you sow. When angry, I can wipe it all away.

You know me. I am water.

And then it was all over..

I thought I had erased all your memories. But today, when I pulled the last splinter out of my heart, it hurt again. Everything came back to me - love, hatred and the pain. The latter was so intense I thought I couldn't breathe anymore.

It took me just a fraction of a second to realize that distances don't matter. No matter how much I run away, I still think of you. I've given up on the idea of us, but you still have the ability to hurt me beyond repair.

You've broken my heart yet again, I'm just hoping that this is the last time.   

The day everything changed

On my way back from work, I stopped by a park. The simple act of lying down on the tender grass and looking up at the bright, blue sky filled me up with peace. So much, that I could feel the mist in my eyes. This was going to be my life now. Bright and clear. Full of possibilities. Everything that I had ever wanted suddenly seemed within my reach. Without any worries.

Kept fighting my tears till the time I reached back. And then, I didn't fight them anymore. Dialed the phone and let them flow. Heard a voice on the other end.

I was happy.

A New Beginning

Sitting amidst a bunch of strangers, I suddenly felt alone. The same thing happened last evening, when I was sitting with a bunch of 'desi' people. I was supposed to feel at home with them. But I didn't. I felt much more comfortable in my apartment, watching the vast expanse of ocean. So calm, that it filled me up with peace. And comfort. I got the same feeling when we drove past the beach yesterday.

The city to me is very romantic - tall archaic buildings, streets dotted with museums and warm, friendly smiles. I'm telling myself that's why while walking down yesterday, I felt like I was missing something. In the evening, the fog outside my window gradually enveloped my soul, I found myself craving for some company again. Picked up the phone and dialed. A sleepy voice responded. I didn't say a word.